number fiveLet me just be real with you … campus should come with a warning.Especially for sheltered, bookworm people like me.When I got into college I was feeling like a chicken from Meru that found itself in Bungoma on Christmas morning…like I was in the wrong place. I was totally unprepared for all the strange things that go down in that place and since I know there’s a new batch of ‘freshers’ coming in next month I wanted to share with the innocent ones just so that they don’t say nobody told them.

So here are five things I feel like , if I had known, I would not have been so traumatized by my first semester.


College  has everyone and I mean everyone and they are all weird, you included. There will always be someone on campus that you find strange and out of this world. There’s the pervert who can’t seem to speak a sentence without injecting sexual innuendo, the genius who asks too many questions, the braggart who thinks he’s smart but acts the total opposite, the girl who thinks class is a beauty pageant, the girl who thinks they are the girl everyone loves to hate so she hates everyone, the girl who pisses the other girls off (I was that one a lot), the people who are never awake but get the content and people who are just there for the wrong reasons, the people who never enlarge their circle of friends, the girls who think boys are evil,  Everyone is weird in campus… and absolutely no one fits in on the first day. College is the convergence of all that awkward has to offer. The sooner you learn that, the better for you.


Yes,chimneys … those guys who perpetually have a cloud of smoke around them every time they are in a corner who can’t seem to face life unless they are on “the herb”. Oh and by the way, if you are as innocent as I was when I got in and have never encountered someone who is high on weed.. let me break it down for you. If you run into someone who is super happy or super calm, generally seeming to have no care in the world who looks like they are about to roll over in the grass and take a nap… they are as high as the temperatures at the earth’s core. Oh, and they smell like a burning bush.


There are certain people on campus , if you were to burn all the students to death, they would be finished off in seconds because of all the alcohol in their blood. These are the people I call tanks. These guys are on another level …imbibing cheap alcohol with such excitement you would think the stuff tastes like Sprite. But you see … here’s the thing , all tanks have an outlet tap in the form of drunken behavior … it’s different for guys and girls.

For guys:

  1. The angry aggressive drunk: who breaks everything fragile in sight who tries to beat up everyone who wants to calm him down… which they can only seem to do at an insanely loud volume (they seem to go deaf when they are drunk) Meanwhile, the rest of us who are trying to sleep lie awake collecting new material for our next nightmares.
  2. The romantic drunk: This is by far, the worst one you can run into. Drunkenness prohibits a lot of cognitive processes , one of which is verbal filtering (thinking before you talk).. so woe unto you if you have secretly been on his mind and after taking a few shots of the latest 40 per cent alcohol sold at the bar, he feels the need to open his heart to you. My advice: never answer a knock after nine p.m. , have a sharp object under your pillow if,stupidly, you open the door and if no sharp object is present, girl you better scream like you’ve seen a snake.
  3. The blackout drunk: There isn’t much to say on him… he is so consistent in his intake that he skips the drunk part and blacks out. THE END

For girls:

  1. The weepy drunk: In her case , being drunk sends her tear ducts and her emotions into overdrive… she can either be super happy and laughs too much or super weepy and cries too much… most of the times , as women seem to prefer misery, she cries too much and VERY LOUDLY!!!!
  2. The chatty drunk:  She ceases the opportunity to say anything and everything , there is no filtering whatsoever and the next morning she be like “What did I say?” She will tell you all manner of things that you probably shouldn’t know about her.
  3. The angry drunk: This one gets drunk and just wants to slap you or hit you or shout at you or cuss you out. Generally, the most unpleasant of the bunch.


Honestly, this is the one thing that shocked all the naivete out of me. You know how back in the day our parents used to dance facing each other with breathing space between them so that they could converse, you know, get to know each other??? That’s dead, buried and decomposed. I was shocked to learn that dancing has retrogressed to the point where nobody’s looking anybody in the face!!!!!! It’s so degrading especially to women and I find it hard to believe that anyone could stand for  women empowerment and allow themselves to be treated that way. Yes, I said it. Come on,ladies,stand up straight and turn around!!! If he wants to get with you let him ask you the question to your face, if he doesn’t want to, what are you doing there?


Truth is, no one has the rule book on how to get through campus because it’s so different for everyone. Even the chimneys, tanks and weirdos are trying to figure it out. College is a place of learning, learning about yourself and learning about others. Campus life is a magnified version of real life because so much happens in such a short span of time within a small place and all of us just have to adapt, survive and find ourselves. Everyone is making decisions, everyone is going through hard times, everyone has something that hurts them or pisses them off. Even those who seem brave have something they are scared of. So don’t worry we’re all figuring it out . However you have to remember, no one can figure it out for you, you make your own choices and really you don’t need a detour on the road of self destruction to arrive at self discovery. I think, had I known this last semester, I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself for seeming to be the only one who didn’t know how things went down.

So as I start a new semester in a few days, I have to remember that life is rich. Full of different people who have lived a different life from me, experienced things that I haven’t and seen things I haven’t. I won’t be so shocked next semester and I  also won’t try to fit in.  I will still strive to be my conservative, serious about school, bookworm self. I don’t need to fit in, I just need to get out alive.



  1. This is so damn true about Campus
    The Tanks, and Chimneys and Weirdos….So much research is exhibited.

    However you should have included the “BARREN WOMBS”
    Those female students who’ve carried out so many abortions such that by graduation their uterus has to be amputated.
    The hoes and prostitutes who live on sugar daddies


  2. The Pandora’s box have been open for us…. the whole truth right in front of you…..be yourself…let people see you for who you are don’t force it.


  3. Hahahha ‘back dancing’…i was like…come on, there are so many different dancing straz and you don’t hav to dance the same way…THE WHOLE NIGHT!!


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