MALARIAL LOVE AND THE CASE FOR THE FRIEND ZONE

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That feeling.That malarial feeling that comes over many as a sign that they are in love has yet to come over me.Thank goodness. Weak in the knees. Hyper-perspiration. Breathlessness.Hyper-ventilation. Rapid heart beat. Feverishness. Inability to have coherent thoughts. Yeah, those are not things I am keen to feel just because I have seen or thought about the object of my affections. Trust me, though.I know exactly how all those things feel experienced simultaneously, seeing as I get those feelings every single time I work out. I don’t like the feeling.It’s just too out of control.

This is one of the reasons I am cautious around the opposite sex. I don’t want to run into the one who will finally make me sick and I mean this in a nice way.I mean, why are people not afraid of a person who causes you symptoms?? I have met people who actually like being “in love”.People who enjoy the apparent high of always being uncertain and kept on their toes. Have you seen me? I can’t last three seconds on my toes. One has to wonder though,if the body can cope in that state of excitement and angst for long periods of time without being depleted of something vital and necessary. To make matters worse, you can never really be sure whether the other party is going through what you’re going through and I am not willing to have malaria unless it’s mutual malaria. Sorry.Besides, I am sure there is scientific evidence to prove that what we refer to as being “in love” is our hormones getting excited because they really, really like what they see.

However, I have nothing against love. I love love.Like most humans,I want love. My only problem is that the popular way to get there is via Drama Avenue with a right turn at Angst & Tears Drive. I honestly think there is a better way to get to love without “falling in love”. You ready to hear it? Okay. Here goes: The Friend Zone.

Yup. The Friend Zone. We all need to revolutionize the Friend Zone from a non-dynamic place in our lives where we put people who we will never think of “like that” for as long as you all shall live, into a mutable state which allows an individual to graduate from “just friends” to being “something more”. I think that’s how the mature people do it  and us young folk need to get with the program.(Can you tell yet, that I’ve been hanging around old people a lot recently ??Well, I have and it’s really helped.) Anyway, here’s the case for the Friend Zone:

  1. YOU KNOW ALL THE BAD STUFF

People are almost always more open with their friends and are usually comfortable to rear the ugly head they hide when they meet a stranger they like. They are more comfortable being themselves,both the bad and good with someone who is “just a friend”. You know if they get unreasonably moody when their favorite team loses a match. They know that you are just not that person who ever gets anywhere on time and they are always having to trick you into arriving on time. You know those things about each other that you don’t really want people you are trying to impress to know. So, you kind of already know what you will be dealing with and if none of their faults are a deal-breaker..then..I guess you might have yourself a winner. If you’re a woman, start praying. If you’re a man, get to work and go get that girl.

What? You know you agree with me… When has a woman chasing after a man ever been cute? Honestly. Just visualize it in your head. Is it working? No? I thought so. Beyond that, when has it ever been fair? Men run faster than women. That is a fact. So,know this, boo-boo: If you’re the one doing the chasing, you won’t catch anything. The only women who have authority to run after men are mothers,aunties and older sisters and that is when the men aren’t full-grown and bearded. Anyway,moving on.

2. YOU CAN SKIP THE HONEYMOON PERIOD

For those of you who live under a rock in the bottom of the ocean, the honeymoon period is that time in the beginning of a relationship when everyone pretends like they don’t go to the toilet and are too perfect to be subject to other normal bodily functions like sneezing, sweating, farting…etc.Some even go as far as to pretend they don’t sleep and stay awake all night whispering or texting sweet nothings to each other and if one falls asleep,they apologize so profusely the next morning as if they just don’t understand how they fell asleep. Since, you know, they are non-sleeping creatures. Or the really intense ones who are so compliant and willing to do everything the other suggests and go wherever they will go even if the event or place bores them out of their apparently non-working mind. (Because,you really have to have your mind off for you to just say “Yes” to everything.What kind of colorless human being has no preferences??)

If someone has been your friend, you can’t really start pretending. Well,that’s if you’re smart. It’s easier to just get into being real with each other. Being able to just say,”I’m going to sleep now. I’m tired.” or “I don’t want to hang out today.” or “No.” and have everyone be okay with it. That, is priceless.

3. YOU CAN EAT IN FRONT OF THEM

The final and most important: You can eat in front of them.This reason,is mostly for my own selfish reasons. The last time I went on a date was just over three years ago. (Eye roll to all those feeling sorry for me.) I don’t think I remember how to do that fake, apparently cute, dainty bird-like eating women are meant to do. I don’t play with my food. I eat it. I will not be apologizing for that. I really don’t want to meet a stranger who will make me nervous about food, because that will just make me mad and then I won’t like the person very much. I want to be able to use my hands when I eat…I want to be able to do weird things like put avocado in everything…and drink tea with everything. I want to be able to order potatoes or something with potatoes in it without someone pestering me to order “something new”.

I want a person who won’t be shocked when we go to a restaurant and I ask for hot water and pull out honey and tea bags from my bag. Someone who will order “something new” for me,but with a side of potatoes. A person who won’t take it personally when I take the potatoes off their plate. Someone who just LETS ME EAT!!! Okay,I’m getting too deep into this food issue. Food turns me into a romantic. I’m sure you get the point. Only real friends give you the time and space to be real with your food.

Here’s where I’m at now: If I ever get into a relationship…I really hope it’s with a friend or someone who took time to be “just friends” first. However, as I assess the current state of my social life…I notice how I have no Friend Zone. So maybe,it will be another three years before my next date. Who cares though? I still have potatoes.

 

 

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5 thoughts on “MALARIAL LOVE AND THE CASE FOR THE FRIEND ZONE

  1. Yes to not playing with food!!! And yes to Not having to pretend you dont fall asleep!!! Because sleep and food are two things we will not allow anyone to joke with!!! Long live the friend zone!!! πŸ™‚

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