RANDOM MUSINGS: GIVING ALL

I’ll always give my all to keep doing what I love.-msichanawanairobi

I have something in the works. I’ll tell you guys about it when it’s the right time, that’s if it doesn’t go disastrously wrong. All you have to know, is that, I’m taking a risk and putting myself out there. Two things I really hate doing. But, this has the potential to be a great story for another day. So, keep me in your prayers if you want to hear that one. Today, though, I just want to say that this whole giving-your-all to something you care about and believe in actually takes a lot out of you.I mean , it’s mind, body and spirit work, all at the same time. I don’t know why this surprised me, but I have realized now that I have been doing a half-ass job living my life so far. Something I’m working on changing.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I was drained from all of it and I sat in a matatu, looking out the window on my way back home. My feet were dusty and aching, my back was trying to give my feet a run for their money and I had a pain in my neck…a literal one. I was tired and feeling sorry for myself. Why does working hard have to be so much hard work, I thought. Yes, I have very stupid thoughts when I’m feeling sorry for myself, it’s mostly because my brain has gone off and I’m probably very hungry…which was the case that day. I sighed and kept looking out the window when I found no stupid answer for my stupid question and then I saw them. Not for the first time, because I use that route a lot. I saw the houses…You know, those obscene houses that look more like an office building than a place of residence with their more than five bedrooms,two sitting rooms,three dining rooms,their long windows,wide balconies and manicured lawns… you know those houses, right? Yeah, me too. All too well. (I wonder though, whether the people who live there are planning on starting a boarding school for children in their home.)I saw them and for the first time since I began using that route home, I was envious.

I was envious of the person who lived in that house. I wanted their life and because I was making so many foolish assumptions that day,  I assumed that whoever lived in those houses had life so easy. I began to think of shortcuts and quick fixes for my discomfort. I thought, if I just had a car, it would be easier. Well, a car and maybe a better phone. Perhaps, my own place, maybe, a one-bedroom apartment..wait,no a two-bedroom apartment. Yeah that’s better. And the house would have WiFi…the fast and unlimited kind. Yeah that’s what I need, I thought. Then I realized that these things wouldn’t just happen. First, because they cost money and second, because they cost a lot of money. But, I fixed that problem quick enough. I would get myself a rich man.

Yes, yes, yes. I thought about it. And no, it wasn’t a fleeting thought. Seeing as we were stuck in traffic for the better part of an hour in front of those houses, the thought sat in my head for good while. After, that long while had passed, I began to panic. What if I do get a rich man? Then what. What would I do if he’s old and fat and mean…all at the same time?? Or if he has no personality…nothing to say? What would I do if he’s one of those people who doesn’t read books??? Also, I really couldn’t stand the thought of owing someone.Besides, I’m really trying to make it through this life without having “Was a gold-digger” as part of my legacy. I looked away from those houses and focused on other things.

I reminded myself why I was doing what I was doing: because I love it. I enjoy it. I want it to be what I do everyday and I’m just laying the foundations for that to happen. I also reminded myself, that a lot of people in those too large houses actually worked for what they have, even the gold-diggers, in their own messed up kind of way. I looked out the window again. The houses were behind me now. I was almost at my stop.Well, my first stop anyway. Sometimes it takes a lot of buses and matatus to get to where I come from.

As I got on to the next bus and settled in my seat. I encouraged myself. I wanted whatever I had to come from good, honest heart-and-soul work. I wanted to always remember that, if you start from the right place, privileges come when you put in time, effort and commitment. I told myself I really shouldn’t think about abandoning what I love to do for something that only makes it easier to buy or get things that break, expire and depreciate. I would be miserable if I did…and then everyone around me would me miserable..because I am really good at spreading the gloom and doom.I sighed. I was feeling better. I closed my eyes, leaned back and took a power nap. I needed the rest, because when I woke up…I was going to give my all again.

I wrote this today, sitting here working on my Something-In-The-Works to encourage anyone, who like me today, needs encouragement to keep putting in the effort. I know this is cliche,but it only became that way because it’s always been and will always be relevant: Don’t give up. And, I’ll make you a deal,  I won’t give up either.

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